Things are improving little by little. I have looked into signs of depression, though I'm most likely bored.

I've recently been looking into the PC-98 as Japanese PC games have always been a mysterious place. Getting my hands on an old art software and learning how old computers worked with an emulator. The Multi Paint System.

The files I first got were bad, as they only had the HDM files. Thankfully some redditor got his hands on a copy and made a better dump along with a tutorial to put dithered images in the software.

LINK TO THE REDDIT POST AND THE DUMP HERE

Looking up information on the PC-98 has helped regenerate my interest in art, as the dithering effect in these old games made amazingly beauiful art. I do believe that the dithering wasn't done by hand because THAT'S FUCKING CRAZY, and Multi Paint proved this fact to me.

I've been slowly picking up on new mixing techniques for music when looking up osts that display the midi tracks. I'm only just dipping my toes into automated clipping, so this could definitely improve my sound mixing as it's known to get pretty muffled.

Also here's what I managed to make in Multi Paint System. It's suppose to be Rakuchan. It's shit, but it's my first time for a program this old. If you're thinking of trying this out, USE A MOUSE INSTEAD. I know it sucks, but a tablet pen will send the cursor flying I TRIED. I don't know if it's the emulator I'm using or what, but the UI seems to be having a graphical problem as everything is WHITE AS FUCK. Sense I got multiple different emulators when trying to get this game running, I'll try Neko Project II instead just incase if there's a difference from Neko Project 21. Also I saw it show up more often than 21, so who knows...

See you later!

Just a quick way to vent out some thoughts recently.

I haven't been drawing at all for some time now, and I'm not entirely sure why that is. I have been burning myself over my mod which I've taken a break from, but even then I still at least make something.

The most reasonable thing I can think of is "don't take it so seriously". I've been hearing it a lot this year. The thing is that I've always taken art seriously. Sure not all the time, some times I'd just doodle, but most of it was me studying and shit. In a way that was fun for me at least.

But recently, I've just kinda dropped things because "it's just for fun" while not having fun at all. It's frustrating.

I think it's time for a new log.

I would say nothing much has happened, but actually thinking back, some stuff has. At least with me.

For starters, and clearly the only notable change that has happened to me, I got dropped from a friend group. I won't go into detail or name anyone. All I can say is that it was both stupid and confusing for me to figure out at first.

Second, some development for the Violet has been made, but not much. I decided to add the floating bit I've always thought about but never put in till recently, so that's gonna require some adjusting to the storyboards. I've remade the third song in FL Studio, though it still needs slight tweeks, as well as a new song, but not sure if it would be a good replacement as song 2.

I also want to bring up a realization. I didn't go into the Violet all that well in terms of experience and skills. Yes, I have gotten MUCH better over time and can actually use FL Studio because of it, but that doesn't change the fact that I clearly do not know much about making a mod and people I needed. I only found out what charters were JUST RECENTLY. Most of that being my assumption of vocals needing to be the same as the directional animations. YEAH, I'm stupid. It's clear I need more people who know what people I need and what I should do as well. I know I'm the director, but I don't always know about that stuff some times.

I think I probably should have started with a small scale mod at first and then did the Violet mod, because by then, I would've learned some stuff much earlier.

And third, I'm not sure if I'm no longer mentally ill. Okay, not mentally ill, more so emotional wounds I guess. I won't name names, but I was actually doing fine until a certain FNF mod came out. It got really big, and people are still talking about it as of the time I'm typing this. (I'm sure you already know what I'm talking about wink wink nudge nudge...)

When it came out, it was ALL OVER my timeline, though it has died down a bit. I didn't know how to feel at first, switching from sad, angry and happy. I did decide to make some art, but it was short lived. I still have yet to check out the mod in full, which will take awhile for me to get around.

TO CLARIFY: I'm NOT jealous of this mod in anyway what so ever. I'm very happy for the people behind it and hope they become regretful about it in the future, because this simple but fun mod is touching a lot of hearts, and that's something to be proud of.

My problem isn't from the mod itself, and it's more so about a broken friendship I fucked up earlier this year. I thought I'd finally moved on from it, but the mod shattered that notion. Now, I just feel weird seeing the mod everywhere. It's clear I need to take a break from it.

I hope that covers everything. Seen ya later...

Things are finally starting to pick back up!

I'm feeling more confident in myself, and also my mod! I know now probably isn't the best time to change graphics and stuff, but the idea had been floating around in my head for awhile now, and I just wasn't satisfied enough with the third phase I guess. Wants change after all.

I still do worry that the Violet mod might not be so good, especially how the music is now over a year old at this point, but rather then worry about the things other mods are doing, I'm thinking about what my mod is doing that others aren't. The things I've been told still echo through my head.

"you're kinda holding back your own potential"

"Mods with stories kinda suck ngl"

"Just maybe make your own character to replace violet?"

"I mean don't you want to have an impact too?"

"you kinda gotta break outta the mold with your own stuff"



People think I'm being unoriginal when I'm just inspired. The truth is, I love stories. Lia, Nekofreak, or Stalker Girl didn't exist yet and I wanted to give this scrapped character a chance to live. In the end, Violet became a reflection of the struggles I deal with. Struggles of independence, anxiety, self confidence, responsibility, struggles I still deal with now. I know now with all the other stalker girls it seems pretty unoriginal, but context matters. The fact it's already been a year kinda shows how I've been struggling through this myself.

The Violet mod isn't lifting eyebrows, looking at the camera saying "Yeah this is pretty cringe." Everything is raw and unhinged. There's no irony, just the characters being themselves.

This is MY mod and I decide what I want to do!

Here's a new screen!

I'll see you next time!

Time to once again vent...

Things have been slow right now. I haven't been drawing regularly like I used to, and mostly find myself avoiding it all together. Most of my time has been to take more naps. I think it's safe to say I'm depressed. If I had art block, I would have the motivation, but I don't. I'm not sure what to do to make things better right now, though hopefully it will blow over and I can get back to my mod.

Also, I managed to actually finish the storyboards for the ending cutscene. All that remains is the beginning cutscene and then I can get more help, but that probably won't be happening for awhile...

If there is one thing I have been doing is composing. I guess making music helps me a little bit, but the lack of art still makes me feel depressed. Like, I'm not good enough to be an artist anymore. Though we all know that's bullshit.

Yeah, not much information this time around, sorry...

I wish to make a remix or whatever of Steven Flipside. It's a real jam, but I'm gonna need to find out what music box sound was used for DSAF. I usually recreate the song first, so I can make up my own arrangement.

This is a kind of situation where you recognized a pretty widely used but shitty soundfont, but don't know where it's from. In this case the shitty music box sound font.

So, here we are.

SONIC 2 PORTION

   I just saw Sonic 2 yesterday and it was amazing! I say it's better than the first one, as the first one had some of those talking animal road trip movie cliches but done bitter. Now they are using more elements from the games, specifically Sonic 2 and 3. I ended up recording my reaction again of the ending like last time, but this time, I'm gonna save it for later when Sonic 3 trailers start popping up, because I don't want to spoil anything, but my reaction is honestly perfect.

Now for everything else I've been doing.

PERSONAL PORTION: WARNING-HEAVY TOPICS HERE

   Awhile back, I wasn't doing so hot. Despite everything that was done and settled with, I didn't feel satisfied with myself to move forward. I was depressed, and hated myself; I was drawing unhealthy vent art of my persona doing self harm, and just felt like I was only using 50% of my brain most of the time. This only got worse as time went on, and I ended bothered some people too much. At this point, people were telling me to see a therapist, but I just didn't want to do that when my Mom was in the hospital at the time.

(NOTE: Mom is doing much better now and is out of the hospital) :)

   Eventually, 8-bit Nostalgia got in contact with someone who's name I won't say, saying they were the closest thing to a therapist I can have. Since then, I've been able to put myself back together and finally feel like myself again for once. Though I'm still working on putting some things back together.

   As of right now, I've been finding myself slowly creeping back to other things like FNAF. This is a normal thing for me honestly, but this might be my second time moving on to something else because of troubling events and that's concerning me. During my self loathing, I said I put the Violet mod on hold because I wasn't able to work properly. Now I'm fine, but slowly moving away from FNF, which also means moving away from the mod. I think I should talk to my NOT therapist about that before I make any regrettable decisions, so hopefully I can balance those things.

MY DUMB ALT PORTION: +18 WARNING

   I do have an alt on twitter that I use to post NSFW content, but it has suffered through so much recently. Content constantly being taken down, mutual only , and now finally allowing non mutual once more. It's a train wreck, and I feel bad for the people who have to put up with me removing sometimes really good stuff. I don't always make NSFW, just every now and then, but it's been a problem I've been trying to overcome. It's not that there was illegal stuff on there, HELL NO, but it's stuff I can't really talk about. (Also just to clarify, the alt is locked, is you need permission to enter)

   When it comes to NSFW art, I don't like leaving it out in the open for people to just stumble upon in there timeline. While I don't know how most NSFW artist are like when it comes to content, it seems like they just make NSFW of anything with ease. Like doesn't matter, they can just make it, and come out with an absolute well crafted art piece. I don't really do that. It's rare I ever compose a complete piece of NSFW. Hell, sometimes it's just doodles and sketches. If I'm gonna make fully colored NSFW art, it's gonna be something I'm passionate of. If I'm not passionate, I won't make it, because I just DON'T CARE.

   And that's not mentioning the exposure of it. Because of the only mutual rule, I got rid of 95% of the followers. AKA 320 something follows, and left with 21. So, it's just been gathering dust. I have recently got some new content on there, but it's far from perfect. So I could be recovering, but I can't say for sure. Also, if anyone is going to find it, they are gonna have to find it themselves because I'm just don't know if I can put it back in my bio anymore.

CONCLUSION

   So yeah. Shits been ruff on me lately. Not everything is fine and dandy just yet, and I'm still wondering what to do next. I do hope this Newgrounds account is being useful, considering the circumstances of its creation. Anyways, I'll see you on the flip-side!

My mom has been in the hospital these past few days, so I needed some mom content to cope.

BF's mom was made by paesthethyc. She has tattoo's but I ain't fuckin drawin all that shit.

Seems like things will work out.

Also I some of these Shimeji's of Updike and Whitty, and I love them.

They make me very happy!

OMFG this is too cool!

I take back what I said, maybe I just need something to motivate myself. I'll try this for a few days and see if it works out.